Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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