Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
