ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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