There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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