I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
