The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
