someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
