girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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