I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Randomize
