I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
