so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
