so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
