Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
