Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
