I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
