Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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