I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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