You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
