I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
