woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize