Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
