I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize