i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
