defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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