giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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