My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
