No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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