I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
