I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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