i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
