i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
