I haven't been this sober since birth.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
