Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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