About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
And then my night got REAL pukey
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
