If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize