Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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