I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
