woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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