I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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