would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Vodka?
Forever.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
