Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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