is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
