The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
