my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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