So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
