I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
