Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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