Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
