I accidentally had phone sex last night
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
