My first STD was from a foam party
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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