where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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