Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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