I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
