i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
