it wasn't lemon gatorade
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
