It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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