Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
What a dumb baby whore.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
