Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
