Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
