This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
