Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
