Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize