I was born with a shot glass in my hand
there was a trapeze. enough said
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
