You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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