The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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