I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
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